Thursday, October 27, 2011

Yesterday was our nine year anniversary. No, please go ahead; shout huzzah, cheer, make merry. I’m extremely happy and proud that we have made it this far with very few bumps in the road. It has been fantastic.

I remember how devastated I was after my break up with yet another boyfriend. I was sure, absolutely positive that I wasn’t meant to get married. I was convinced that there just couldn’t be someone meant for me. I concluded (on my own) that I was called to do something other than be a wife and mother. I would finish my social work degree, and then start an orphanage in the remote jungle of a third world country. That sounded noble and it would keep my mind off never having my own family.

I worked at a daycare at the time and at the end of every day I’d watch the parents and children embrace; a happy family, a family I’d never have. I tortured myself. Tormented myself I was so despaired and I had no idea that the man I was going to marry was just around the corner (and I would almost plow right into him in the church lobby).

When I look back on that time I laugh at how silly I was. I was so worried, so distraught and there ended up being no reason for it at all. My husband turned out to be more wonderful than I ever expected and exactly the person I needed. I’m very proud and glad to be his wife and I try to focus back on that time of despair often as I struggle with my infertility. I do believe that there will be a time when I hold a little one in my arms and think about how silly I was for being so anxious about never becoming a parent. Sometimes I feel reassured but I must admit that there are times when it does not seem like enough and I still find myself wondering if we will ever get a chance to be parents and/or if we were ever meant to be parents at all. Then I take a deep breath and remind myself that our child/children could be just around the corner and I am sure that they will be more wonderful than we ever expected and will be exactly the person/people we need.

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