Megatron vs. The Borg

When you have five and a half years of waiting you have lots of time to settle on baby names. Of course we still enjoy throwing out other options…Shannon is still very fond of Optimus Prime or Megatron. I think calling the baby The Borg would be fitting due to the scientific nature of his or her conception. All kidding aside I really do like our names and I must admit I will feel a little disappointed if we never get to use them. If we do adopt we’ll most likely be adopting toddlers or even preschoolers and I’m not sure I would want to force a preschooler to change his or her name.

Boys- Our number one name is Samuel David. As a child I loved the story of Samuel in the Bible. I remember lying in bed at night straining to see if I could hear God’s voice calling me. Also when I was in college I spent a year taking care of a baby boy named Samuel and I adored him. My dad’s name is David so it makes a great middle name especially since Samuel anointed David.

Since there is a chance with IVF you could have twins I try to have a back up name just in case we get a two for one deal. This name changes a lot but for the moment I like Josiah Joseph.

Girls- This was far more difficult. We threw out names for years and couldn’t find one we both agreed on. Being one in a sea of endless Sarahs I wanted my daughter to have a name that was a little different without being too weird or crazy.
Being fans of the author Neil Gaiman and fans of director Henry Selick, we were thrilled when the Coraline movie came out. After the movie while sitting in the theater with the credits rolling my husband looked over at me and said,
“I like that name…Coraline.” I agreed, I really liked that name too and so our possible future daughter became Coraline with the middle name Anne, for Anne of Green Gables of course.

It took us so long to come up with one girl’s name I’m concerned about having more than one girl because there really is no back up name. There are a few that get thrown around and one serious though possibly controversial consideration but nothing that we can agree on yet. I searched through other female names in Neil Gaiman stories, because I thought that would be a cool trend but Coraline is the only one I really love.

I think some people will wonder why my daughter wouldn’t be named after my mother who died when I was seventeen. The answer to that is that I promised I wouldn’t. Around nine years old, my mom made me promise very seriously promise that I would not name my future daughter after her. In fact I couldn’t even name her anything that resembled her name at all. My mom really hated her name. There was also a second forbidden name but I won’t go into that and as I was always taught that you need to keep your promises or don’t make them in the first place, our daughter will be Coraline Anne. Since my mom loved reading just like me I think she would approve of her granddaughter having a literary name.

An Unexpected Gift

A few Sundays ago I awoke to an unfamiliar sound. It was soft, sweet and high pitched. As I gained further consciousness I was sure the noise was snoring but it was too quiet to be my husband. I moved slowly to a sitting position and found our cat Emma curled up snuggled against my leg sound asleep and snoring. With a warm and fuzzy heart, I settled back down and delayed getting out of bed so she could enjoy her peaceful slumber.


It was the day after Christmas and though the holiday had offered a great distraction I was still feeling pretty bummed about our first failed IVF. I had so been looking forward to making a big announcement on Christmas Day. While savoring my pre-church mug of tea, I found myself listening intently to a crying sound. Needing to squelch my curiosity I pulled back the curtain to our sliding door and when I looked down there was a small orange striped cat staring back at me. I ran upstairs and told my husband; pleading that it was cold outside and we should let the little cat in. I was sure the cat was lost. He disagreed and thought that it could be someone’s outdoor cat and that whether the cat belonged to someone or was lost we weren’t going to have a strange cat running around the house while we were at church. Reluctantly I said good-bye to the little cat and went to church.

After church we went out to eat and ran a few errands. When we arrived home I ran to the back door and was greeted by the cries of the little orange cat. There were already sings of an impending snow storm and my husband agreed that we couldn’t leave the cat outside to battle the elements. After several unsuccessful attempts to pick the cat up we simply opened our back door. The cat trotted right in took a lap around the living room sniffing everything and then proceeded to curl up in front of the fire and fall asleep. Later she (we discovered she was girl) snuggled up in my lap purring and she even slept in bed with us.

The next day I battled snow and ice and traveled to the pet store to purchase some necessities. I then spent the next week calling shelters and looking on Craig’s List and other Lost Pet sites trying to find her owner. We were also becoming quite smitten with her. She was absolutely adorable and her presence was meeting the very real need that I had to nurture, snuggle and all around smother with love. Thankfully for the most part she didn’t seem to mind us giving her constant attention. We decided that if we couldn’t find her owner we would keep her. I tried calling her different names everyday to see if any felt right.




After a week I was pretty certain that she was staying for good until I went out in my back yard and looked over at the back yard of our brand new neighbors. Their patio had cat paraphernalia placed on it and it appeared as if they were trying to lure a cat to the house. I don’t know why it hadn’t occurred to me that the cat could have belonged to the new next door neighbor. Later that night I knocked on the door (surprisingly it ended up that I knew the neighbor) and asked if she had lost her cat. She said yes, their cat Emma ran away about a week ago. I went back over to our house and picked Emma up and began walking over to the neighbor’s door. Emma started freaking out and was squirming and scratching, doing anything she could to get out of my arms. She succeeded and ran away. The neighbor said that Emma often ran away and that she would probably come back. I was very upset and worried about her as it was really cold outside and I knew that in the morning she would be hungry. I ended up sleeping on the sofa downstairs just in case she came to the back door. In the morning she was still missing so I went to work convinced we’d never see her again. When I came home from work however I heard a familiar little cry and there was Emma sitting at our back door. I let her in and fed her and then contacted the neighbor to let her know that Emma had come back to our house. I think by now the neighbor knew how attached we had become to Emma and she compassionately and with much self-sacrifice told me that if we would like to keep Emma we could. I was elated and she has been a joy and comfort to us ever since. We are probably biased but she is the best cat ever. She greets me at the door when I get home from work and she snuggles in my lap while I do my devotions. She is silly and playful and we lavish her with attention. When I had my last egg retrieval my husband went out to pick up some food. He looked at Emma and said
“You take good care of Sarah while I’m gone.” She sat on the sofa watching me the entire time while he was gone. She took that job seriously. I really needed her and she is such a comfort to us as we continue to work on our infertility issues. I’m sure that God worked things out just right to bring us our fur baby.

Yesterday was our nine year anniversary. No, please go ahead; shout huzzah, cheer, make merry. I’m extremely happy and proud that we have made it this far with very few bumps in the road. It has been fantastic.

I remember how devastated I was after my break up with yet another boyfriend. I was sure, absolutely positive that I wasn’t meant to get married. I was convinced that there just couldn’t be someone meant for me. I concluded (on my own) that I was called to do something other than be a wife and mother. I would finish my social work degree, and then start an orphanage in the remote jungle of a third world country. That sounded noble and it would keep my mind off never having my own family.

I worked at a daycare at the time and at the end of every day I’d watch the parents and children embrace; a happy family, a family I’d never have. I tortured myself. Tormented myself I was so despaired and I had no idea that the man I was going to marry was just around the corner (and I would almost plow right into him in the church lobby).



When I look back on that time I laugh at how silly I was. I was so worried, so distraught and there ended up being no reason for it at all. My husband turned out to be more wonderful than I ever expected and exactly the person I needed. I’m very proud and glad to be his wife and I try to focus back on that time of despair often as I struggle with my infertility. I do believe that there will be a time when I hold a little one in my arms and think about how silly I was for being so anxious about never becoming a parent. Sometimes I feel reassured but I must admit that there are times when it does not seem like enough and I still find myself wondering if we will ever get a chance to be parents and/or if we were ever meant to be parents at all. Then I take a deep breath and remind myself that our child/children could be just around the corner and I am sure that they will be more wonderful than we ever expected and will be exactly the person/people we need.

This moment

This moment - A weekly ritual - One picture -
no words - That captures a moment from the week-
a moment I want to pause and savor

The Other Room

We have a spare bedroom in our house that goes by many names. I like to call it the Room of Requirement because it seems to be the place that all of the miscellaneous objects in our home reside. Megan, a friend, refers to the room as “the tower” as it is often the place where my husband escapes to do work on his computer. Sometimes we call it the office, the other room and almost six years ago we began referring to it as the baby’s room. When we first started trying to conceive we brought home paint samples and stuck them to the wall and discussed where various pieces of yet to be purchased furniture should be placed. There wasn’t a huge rush (at least not yet) to renovate the upstairs so we started work on our living room. Just this past year we completed a two year renovation of our kitchen and now it is time to move upstairs.

Our plans are to renovate our second bathroom first, giving us somewhere decent to shower while our master bathroom is under construction. Then we’ll gussy up our master bedroom, and then…the other room. It feels as if all of our hopes, dreams, fears, disappointments and grief inhabit the room’s very walls.

I had talked to a girl who had struggled with infertility issues, who while laid off, turned her guest room into a baby’s room. She even bought a crib, changing table and all of the necessary baby items. It was kind of a field of dreams; if you build it the baby will come approach. I think that would cause me too much mental anguish plus if we end up adopting we are more likely to bring home a pair of toddlers or preschoolers so depending on the age and gender the color scheme and furniture could be completely different from what we would do for a newborn. Also a co-worker who has two internationally adopted children warned against setting up a room too early. They had finished their son’s room shortly after they were matched and it sat empty for months and months while they waited to go and get him. She said the empty room just waiting for their little boy made them feel sad. On the other hand it seems equally just as sad to complete the room as an office. That feels like giving up somehow.

You might be thinking “what’s the big deal it’s just a room you can always change the paint color and furniture anytime you want.” That is perfectly true but even the paint color seems to represent something much deeper and it is the constant acknowledgement that we need to put away the story we had written almost six years ago. The story where we brought home paint samples and thought that very soon the walls would be painted and a crib would be over hear and the rocker over there and how awesome would it be to have rain gutter book shelves! It was a story without procedures, needles, countless medications, and tearful phone calls; it is the original story that needs to be shredded sometimes several times a day so that we can focus on the new story that is being written. So we wait with hope, fear and a lot of faith to see what the ending of this new story will be and to see what will become of the other room.

Paint samples in the room

I was thinking of doing an owl theme in the room.

My friend Stephanie made me this card when I had

my surgery and I hung it on the room's wall to give

me hope that it could end up an owl room someday.

I think rain gutter book shelves are super cool

Mix Tape

I first fell in love with making mix tapes Christmas morning 1989. My parents gave their then thought to be a musical prodigy daughter a dual cassette stereo. There has been quite an array of mix tapes over the years. One of the first was “Boys think I’m scary and don’t like me but God will bring me the perfect husband” followed by various boyfriend mix tapes to be all too soon replaced by break up mix tapes. I also have vivid memories of a mix that could be called “I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing with my life and the future seems really scary.”

I find it fascinating how different songs can be strung together and made to flow in and out of one another to create a story or to take the listener’s heart and mind on a specific journey. With the charging forth of technology mix tapes have been replaced by playlists and this past year I decided that this phase of my life required a soundtrack.

May I present the Infertility playlist

Praise you in this Storm – Casting Crowns
Whatever Your Doing – Sanctus Real
While I’m Waiting – John Waller
Be Still – Kari Jobe
I Still Believe – Jeremy Camp
Blessings – Laura Story
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing – Sufjan Stevens
My Savior My God – Aaron Shust
Healer – Kari Jobe
I Will Lift My Eyes – Hunter Street Baptist Church
How Great is Our God – Chris Tomlin
Our God – Chris Tomlin
Blessed be Your Name- Matt Redman
It is You – Newsboys
Praises- News boys
May Your Wonders Never Cease – Third Day
The Power of Your Name – Lincoln Brewster

Why put yourself through this? Why not just adopt?

I get this question asked to me more than I thought I would.

First I’d like to note that I am not someone who believes that if I don’t have a biological child my life will be over or somehow incomplete. We feel called to be parents and believe that there are many paths to parenthood. Our child or children have already been chosen for us it is now just a matter of coming together and if four rounds of IVF do not work than we will move on to adoption.

The decision making in the beginning was easy. Clomid seemed pretty benign, even the IUI didn’t seem like that big of a deal. IVF was a whole other matter. That took extra thought and lots of prayer. I did a lot of research on the subject, especially from a Christian perspective. Some of the factors used to reach our final conclusion

1) I did have a legitimate physical need that requires IVF. According to the doctors at least, I have no working tubes (I also don’t ovulate on my own) therefore there is no way for the sperm and egg to meet. Now I do believe that God could overcome this flaw and that doctors aren’t always 100% correct, but the decision was to go with the best information we have available and conclude that the best option is to extract my eggs directly out of my ovaries allow the embryos to grow and then implant them where they need to be.

2) I believe the reason that many Christians oppose IVF is because the common misconception is that you end up with tons of little frozen babies that never get used and may even need to be eventually destroyed. After a thorough amount of research I discovered that in fact you are fortunate just to end up with embryos at the end of the process and especially fortunate to end up with any to freeze. My first cycle I ended up with four embryos, two transplanted and two to freeze for a frozen transfer. The second cycle I ended up with only two and none to freeze. Even if we did get pregnant it would be great to have a few to freeze so that we could try again for siblings.

3) What about multiples? Yes the rate of multiple births has risen since the start of fertility treatments but having more than twins is rare and I wouldn’t mind having twins. I also go to an especially conservative fertility center where the rules are if you are under thirty-five they will not transfer more than two embryos at a time. They even do one embryo transfers on women who have already had a successful round of IVF. Of course this hasn’t stopped the many jokes as we continue on this journey. Our friends have already named our reality show “Sarah, Shan and the Clan” and my husband has already vowed that if we end up with 5 or 6 he’ll be handing them out after church like puppies.

4) I currently have a great job that offers fantastic benefits. My insurance was willing to cover four “fresh” cycles of IVF and as many frozen transfers as we have embryos. My medication insurance also covers almost all of the costly fertility drugs. This is an amazing blessing and also an uncommon one. No matter how it happens once we do become parents the plan has always been for me to leave work and become a stay-at-home mom. This means we will have to switch to my husband’s benefits that aren’t quite as amazing. Being able to do IVF without the financial burden was an incredible opportunity and a resource I felt needed to be exhausted if anything just to bring some closure if it ends up not working out the way we’d like it to.

5) Finally I felt a very strong calling from God to go forth through this journey of IVF no matter what the outcome. From the very beginning James 1:2-4 has been on my heart and I meditate on it daily.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that it is the testing of your faith that develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

I will say that this trial has tested my faith A LOT and is consistently developing my perseverance. My one hope is that at the end, no matter the outcome I will be more mature and complete.